Feeling too old....

My youngest turned 10 yesterday. Last night we had the family over for dinner and cake. Today we had a friend party for her. We invited her closest friends (which turned out to be 14 girls) to get manicures at a local salon, walk next door for pizza, then back to my house for cake, movies and a sleepover. Many parents have commented how crazy I am, including my own mother! I feel that birthdays should be made as special as possible and it's a short-lived occasion. I try my best to make my kids feel special on their birthdays. Somehow I always see to overwhelm myself. It seems like a good idea on paper, but when it's actually happening I get filled with anxiety.
Thank goodness I am in the home stretch now as I write this. They are quietly watching the second movie and I am on my second beer! I know it's terrible, but it takes the edge off and helps me relax after all the chaos of the last 6 hours!
Tomorrow, I will make them a nice breakfast, drink plenty of coffee and then take a nap!

I need sleep!

I'm at work for the seventh day in a row. Granted some of the days are only half days, but getting up early every morning is really taking a toll on my body and mind. I feel tired all over. My brain is tired from thinking too much. I just need to catch up on a good rest.
I find that another reason I am so tired, is from pushing myself so hard. I get up early every day, work, then take the kids out until late at night. I want them to enjoy their summer. I feel guilty while I'm at work so I try to make up for it when I get out. I take them to the pool, movies, library, geocaching, hiking, etc. By the end of each day I am exhausted. We enjoy spending time together and doing different things. Regardless of how tired it all makes me, I feel like I'm being a good mom!

Scary moment...

It's been too hot these last few days so instead of going to the pool I took the kids Geocaching (I'll explain in another post!) I figured we could run some errands and find some caches while tootling around in the a/c. After a quick grab at a Kohl's in NJ, we were pretty happy with ourselves. I drove through the parking lot aiming for the exit to go look for more. I was in the aisle doing about 30mph. While this is still too fast for the parking lot, there weren't any parked cars on either side of me. With my eyes focused forward, my son screams "Look out Mom!!!" I slammed on my brakes - the car took a nose dive as the ABS kicked in pumping the brakes for me. The bags in the car lurched forward and I saw my life flashing in front of me. A late model silver Honda Civic (I'm good with cars so I'm going to say it was a 2004-2006), license plate #PEB-44F with NJ plates had come barreling through from my blind spot on the left side cutting through the parking spaces and right in front of me. I was split seconds from taking out my whole front end, my kids and hitting her broadside. I've never been so scared in my life. I instantly felt a rush of emotion and anger all at the same time. My son saved all of our lives. I was looking forward and not all around as you should. Granted, she was 100% wrong because I had the right of way, but still, my children could have been seriously hurt. The really sad part of this story is that she didn't stop to see if what she had done had hurt anyone. I quickly glanced at her plate number immediately committing it to memory. In fact, I am hurt. I injured my neck last week but have been taking care of it. Now I have tingling from my neck into my back and down my arm. My kids are complaining of chest pains from where the seat belts locked. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do, but I will never forget this. I have never been in an accident before. I so desperately wish I could find out her information just to call her or write to her. All I want is an apology and admission of guilt. Where is her human decency? As a Christian mother, my children and I said a prayer and I know God will get her - even if he just makes her think about what she may have caused....

The topic no one wants to talk about...

That's right, our periods. The reoccurring monthly drama that goes on inside our bodies...then of course, outside too! It is the most natural thing to happen to a woman. Unfortunately it has also brought some stigma attached to it. Don't get me wrong, I am an avid feminist. I will quickly put any man in his place for assuming that when I'm in a bad mood, I must be "on the rag." With this thinking, I have also down-played my moods as always valid and nothing to do with my period. But sadly, for the last few months now, I have been tracking my moods along with my cycle. It is with great regret that I acknowledge that my pms has gotten the better of me. It starts 5 days before my period. I have no tolerance for stupidity or nonsense. I have no problem reminding everyone in my family about it either. I will put you in place and walk away without a second thought. Two days later I start to get bloated and crampy. I usually have symptoms of anxiety and depression also. This is when I think to myself (like I forget every month) "Oh maybe I got my period." Not yet. The day the big flow happens, I feel such a sense of relief and weight off my shoulders, I love my family all over again! This quick mood change is very tiring, so this first day - along with the heavy flow, I usually fall asleep early because my body just wants to quit. Days 2-5 are generally light and my mood has changed back to normal. Unfortunately, I also get a sense of guilt for screaming my head off so much. I chalk it up to my family's lack of support and move on!
As much as I hate to admit it, I suffer from pms. It does change the way I look and feel and how I treat others. I am still a strong woman, but Mother Nature has gotten the best of me! I will now show my strength by watching my cycle more closely and taking a proactive approach. I have been encouraged by other women to drink milk 5 days before my period. I will also start taking vitamins daily.
I vow to still retain my feminism but I think I am more empowered by sharing my experiences and tackling my obstacles.

trying to get on track

Finally my third job is over and I'm down to only two. I've been working six days a week and will continue to do so for the rest of this month. I feel guilty leaving the kids so as soon as I get home, I take them out. We've been out every afternoon this week and the fatigue is catching up with me. I've also had to put some of my routine chores off to the side. I like to stay organized and on top of things. So, by not having everything set up like clothes and meals for the week, I feel like my world is in disarray. I usually plan the week out on Sundays. I get the newspapers, clip the coupons, plan a shopping list for Friday and create a menu for the week. I also catch up on laundry so I can pick out clothes for the work week. Usually this only takes about 1-2 hours if I work straight through. Last weekend was a holiday so it threw off my whole schedule. So, not only am I at work today, but my mind is already racing on all the chores to catch up on. Weekends are great for relaxing and spending time with family, but it's always hard for me to rest when I feel like I have so much to do. Since it's nice out, my husband will spend time with the kids so I can focus on getting back on track.